A Labor for Love

Birthing a child hurts. A lot. Most of us are more than willing to go through labor pains because we know we’ll be holding a baby in our arms when they end. We convince ourselves, over and over during the process, that one more push will do it. It’s the ultimate labor of love. But many of us also labor for love that has been withheld. If you were denied love in your childhood it’s likely that you worked really hard and tried everything you could to make the other person love you. Flash forward to the future and many of us are still trying to get the love we were denied in the past. Perhaps we expect those who do love us to do it perfectly to prove they’re not like the mother or father who loved us imperfectly, if at all. Or maybe we’re still trying to get a narcissistic or addicted parent to love us now in an attempt to overwrite the past. People only change if they choose to. The past cannot be changed by anyone. So how then can we move forward? Living in the present helps. It’s okay to not like someone who was supposed to love you but didn’t. Don’t label yourself a bad guy for recognizing the truth, but allow yourself to love them without liking them. It is possible. And if you want to build a relationship with them, do it. Do it now for now, not to fix the past. Be realistic about who they are. Intentionally notice the things you do appreciate about the, no matter how few they may be. Don’t get angry when they act true to form. Draw good boundaries instead. Decide which behaviors you will not stick around to endure. Tell them what you will do if they act in certain ways rather than telling them how to behave. “Hey Dad, please understand that if you talk trash about so-and-so I will cut our visit short and come back some other time.” Then keep your word. It’s not a fight. You’re not trying to win. The prize is not the love you missed out on as a child. The prize is being true to yourself. It’s time to put away the old survival mechanism of trying to do whatever it takes to convince another person to love you. If someone in your past acted as if you weren’t good enough it was most likely a projection of them not believing they were good enough. This turned into a self-fulfilling prophecy, one that probably still holds true. You can’t fix that for them. You can show them that you love them. You can model loving yourself for being yourself. Who knows, maybe they’ll learn a little something.