Are We Spoiling for a Fight?

People say that if we you grow up surrounded by trauma then you’re likely to be conflict adverse. I’ve found the opposite to be true. I mean sure, conflict that hits us unexpectedly sideways can definitely trigger old feelings of being attacked, of having to defend ourselves, and yet I noticed something during my younger and mid adult years. In a silently twisted kind of way, our neurons are constantly spoiling for a fight. It took me a long time to rewire my brain, a long time to unlearn that response. A fight was an opportunity to prove that life was unfair, that it wasn’t my fault that I was being attacked. The other person was being mean or crazy or perhaps downright evil. Rude and self-centered at the very least. This meant I didn’t deserve the mistreatment that had happened to me in the past. It also meant I didn’t deserve the bad ways I was currently being mistreated. Even if I had conjured or exaggerated them to prove my point. What a waste of time. What a backwards way to feel worthy. I now know that though I thoroughly enjoy and wholeheartedly welcome approval from others that is not a healthy way to maintain a positive view of myself. Likewise, though I am quite capable of defending myself and even of fighting for the truth, I have no need to justify my own existence or worth. I have learned to welcome appreciation, approval, and love but other’s opinions don’t define me. I still feel warm and cozy about the good and find myself needing to recharge and to brush off the dust of disgusting behaviors, but these days, I keep my heart open and my boundary gates both locked and well oiled.

Cinse Bonino
2023