I’ll Give You Something to Cry About (for Adults)
Remember when parents used to threaten their crying children by saying, “Stop that or I’ll give you something to cry about!”? Some parents may still do this. The parents were trying to force their child to stop crying by threatening them with something worse than whatever was upsetting them at that moment. Maybe the parent thought whatever the child was crying about was trivial. Maybe it was. Maybe it was about not being allowed to get the candy they wanted at the grocery store. Maybe the parent was focused solely on obedience and failed to notice, or perhaps care, how their child was feeling. Maybe the child was crying because their parents made them wear their hair in a way that made them feel ugly or vulnerable. Unfortunately this practice lives on when we reach adulthood. It doesn’t matter whether or not someone said it to us when we were children. As adults we often end up giving ourselves something to cry about.
It looks a little different, but it’s still a deflection. An equally unhealthy deflection. Say you are deeply upset about something that has happened — a break-up or a bad job interview or whatever. Or perhaps you are worried about something terrible you are afraid will happen — getting rejected, growing old, running out of money. Maybe you are subconsciously upset about something that happened in the past because something in the present triggered it. You know you feel awful but you don’t know why. This not knowing may make you feel even more untethered. Whatever is going on for you emotionally, known or unknown, you find yourself not wanting to identify it. Not wanting to feel it. Not wanting to deal with it.
You deflect. You give yourself something else to cry about. Maybe you avoid paying your bills. You feel physically and emotionally overwhelmed by the mere thought of paying your bills. You have enough money to pay your bills. You have enough time to pay your bills. None of that matters. You feel, honestly feel, as if paying your bills is overwhelming. You may wait so long to pay your bills that you end up having to pay late fees. You tell yourself you were right. Paying your bills did turn out to be a horrible thing.
An outsider looking in would think this was a throwing-a-tantrum-because-you-can’t-get-the-candy-bar-you-want level situation. It’s not. It’s all very real. You created it to be that way to deflect yourself from thinking about something you don’t feel ready, or perhaps strong enough, to deal with yet. Maybe not even ready to acknowledge yet. It’s an effective distraction. It’s also harmful.
Stop that. Now. Or I’ll give you something to cry about.
Cinse Bonino
2023
