Living Our Best SitCom/RomCom/Tragedy Lives
On the earlier episodes of the show “Grey’s Anatomy” the main character, Meredith, and her best friend, Christina, would say, “You’re my person,” to each other. They weren’t lovers. They were friends. Friends who had certain things in common but who were also quite different from each other. We go through life with or without this kind of “person” in our lives. Christina moved far away to take another hospital job. This plot twist was undoubtedly created because Sandra Oh started filming “Killing Eve”. Meredith’s husband died. The romantic relationships she entered into faltered. She did have a group of friends. Friends with catastrophe filled lives who but who were nonetheless touchstones for her. Meredith was fortunate to have friends at work who were real friends. Flawed for sure, but also authentic and caring.
There are moments in our lives when we have a few friends like this, or maybe only one. Remember the flawed part. We all have it. All of us. Even you. Even me. Sometimes there are even fewer people we can count on as we age. Sometimes there doesn’t seem to be anyone. Sometimes it seems as if it has always been that way. This can be easier or more difficult depending on whether you are an introvert or an extravert. Each of these things comes with its own challenges.
You might be surrounded with family members, work associates, or friends, or individuals you encounter on a regular basis who you wish you could force, without being hurtful, to leave you alone. Maybe too many people need you. Or judge you. Or count on you. Maybe you live with the love of your life but experience times when you feel even they are disconnected from you. Everyone’s flawed. It makes us beautiful. It helps us to keep our own compassion alive. Of course it can also bring our anger to a boil. And our regret. Regret is a sneaky buzzard. It feeds on what we imagine could have been. I read a hokey meme the other day that said it’s not the things we regret — other choices we could have made, other ways people could have treated us — that cut our joy off at the knees but rather regret itself. The meme went on to suggest that we focus on the life in front of us rather than the one we think we missed. I agree but with one, small, possibly life-changing addition to that advice.
Yes, do focus on the life in front of you. Enjoy the hell out of it to the best of your ability. But do not make the choices you make to AVOID the life you do not want but rather to CREATE the life you do want. I think that spending ridiculous amounts of money on clothes, or craft supplies, or home improvements, or some odd or lovely thing you have decided to collect, or whatever to fill the void, to cause your life to not feel the way it feels to you is a mistake. I mean, go ahead, you do you. If collecting headless dolls or doilies is your jam, do it. If wearing gorgeous clothes is what rocks your world, enjoy! It’s no one’s business but yours. But it is your business. Joy is an inside job. So is contentment. So is peace. It doesn’t come from circumstances. Sure, some circumstances are more challenging than others but it’s actually all on you.
This life, the one you are currently living is yours. Make the best of it. No! Not like that. Not in a martyr or victimized version of if-only-it-had-been or if-it-could-only-be way. But in a okay, let’s see what glorious dinner we can make with the food that’s currently in the fridge. It’s a skill. It needs to be developed. I like the way the British would say this, “It wants developing.” Your joy, your contentment, your peace all need you. They need you to step up and notice that you are alive.
Stop comparing your story to other people’s. Their refrigerator may be fuller than yours but they also might let a lot of food go to waste. Or, everything might be fairly close to what you think you need. Not. Your. Life. Aging helps us with this. You can look at the strength and stamina, and the amazing recuperative powers of those who are younger than you; you can feel envious; but your older body cannot go back. No matter how well you eat or exercise you must live in the body you are in. It can still enjoy the hell out of life. It’s wanting to do that. So is your heart. And your mind. Let them. Let yourself.
Cinse Bonino
2023
