Polylogical
I overhead this conversation on the sidewalk today…
“When I’m sad it’s because you’re being mean.”
“I’m not being mean. You are being mean to me.”
“No I’m not! I want soft yogurt!”
“You know you only get one snack a day and you’ve already had yours.”
“But I want it! You’re mean!”
“I’m not being mean, and you’re not being very nice to me right now.”
You can probably tell that this exchange was between a parent and a child. Their interaction continued as I walked away. The parent kept reminding the child of the rule about one snack per day. The child kept telling the parent that they were being mean. It’s quite possible that the child was not simply saying that the rule was mean or that the parent’s enforcement of the rule was mean but were attempting to express something much more fundamental. The child probably views the parent as the person who creates happiness in their life. This would logically mean that when the child isn’t happy it must be the parent’s fault. The child doesn’t think about causality but rather about responsibility. In their view the parent is supposed to keep them happy. This means if the child feels sad it’s because the parent isn’t making the child happy. The child thinks that’s mean. Get it?
Grown people do this too. We stop thinking about causality. We think about roles instead. We give someone else the role of making us feel happy, worthy, smart, stylish, successful, desirable, or something else we deem to be good. We get upset at them whenever we don’t feel those things about ourselves. We figure it’s their job to make us feel good, so if we’re not feeling that way, then they aren’t doing the job they’re supposed to do. Thus, they’re being mean. Never mind that they never signed up for this job. Never mind that we’ve never mentioned the job to them. We figure they should already know that this is their job. Besides, if they really cared about us they’d do it without it needing to be spelled out. Right? No. Not right. Mean. Mean to the other person and mean to ourselves.
To ourselves!? Yes. Why? Because we can’t grow when we make someone else responsible for our growth.
See what I mean?
Cinse Bonino
2023
