Still Staying Alive

I retired early. I left teaching and college administration just after I turned 60. I suddenly had time to write as much as I had always wanted. I self published a few books. I did readings for people with a set of cards I created that are similar to a tarot deck. I also did individual awareness trainings as well as a workshop now and then. People kept encouraging me to do more. To make money. To become successful. It took a long time for me to figure out how I wanted this later stage of my life to be. Over several years I realized that capitalism was threaded throughout much of the advice people were offering to me. Don’t misunderstand me. It would be amazing if one of my books became a bestseller. I’ve been working on a book about common adult responses to childhood trauma, something I know quite a bit about for several reasons. But I’m in no hurry to finish the book. I will. But spending tons of time creating something to sell is not my chosen purpose. I’m writing it with the hope that it will help some of the people who read it. I hope it makes money but that’s the icing.

I live rather simply. I don’t keep a car. I walk everywhere. I live in the middle of a small New England town where it’s easy to do that. I’m lucky. I can support myself with Social Security and a little bit of retirement income. I have some money tucked away for emergencies and to use to enjoy my life. I enjoy nature. I cook. I make and send cards to friends. I help total strangers see themselves more clearly. I swallow joy whole wherever I find it. I spread it around. I am at peace with myself. I am grateful for the gifts this stage of life brings even with the older woman, puppy belly that I’m trying to teach to be more obedient. My mother who was a raging narcissist has been sweeten by her dementia. I found a place for her to get good care and lawyers to help me secure financing. I spend time with friends. I take tons of photos. I make gifts for family and close friends. I read (and read and read) and watch movies. I laugh with my grown son. I treasure close friendships. I have stopped trying to prove to myself or to anyone else that I am a success.

I do things because I enjoy them. I create because I am a creator. It is how I express myself not just to others but to myself. I organically and often purposely help others to see and better understand what it means to be human, and hopefully to have the courage to love themselves. To feel worthy. To be kinder to themselves and to others. A word here. A shared story there. Sometimes it’s just the energy I offer. This all makes my life worthy to me. I’ve learned that this is what matters most. To me. But I had to let go of worrying how others would judge me.

So what do I do now that I am mostly retired? I laugh. I connect. I notice. I love. I share. I live.

Cinse Bonino
2022