The Pain of the Prodigal Father — sometimes known as the deadbeat dad

Most of us are familiar with the story of the prodigal son. We may even have been on the wrong side of that story. Our wayward brother, or maybe sister, caused nothing but trouble in our family. Maybe they were extremely self-centered and inflicted quite a bit of hurt, but if they did anything, no matter how small or insignificant, that appeared to be a “not-horrible” thing, everyone acted as if they had just passed a golden turd. Too much? But seriously, it feels that way for those of us who are or who have played the part of the good child. But what about prodigal fathers? Who are they?

First of all they are not always men. They are always a spouse or a partner or a baby-daddy (or whatever) who is no longer, or never was, an integral part of a couple who is raising a child or children. The simplest and most common version of this story is a divorced dad. The dad might also be a mom. The couple may have been married or not. They may have been different genders or the same gender. None of that matters. What matters is this individual — most often a divorced dad, which I will now refer to as “dd” with the understanding that “dd” represents any and all of those mentioned above — chooses to be self-centered in regard to their children. The dd may do only the bare minimum required by law if legal proceedings are part of the picture. The dd may shirk even these barest of requirements. They may repeatedly claim they cannot pay what has been agreed upon. Their reason will be that they “don’t have it” at the moment. They will write or say this with great sincerity even though they recently paid to go on vacation. A vacation that wasn’t cheap. A vacation they took with a companion. A companion whose expenses they paid. Maybe they aren’t going on any lavish vacations. Perhaps instead they are buying very high-priced clothes or new sports or musical equipment. Everyone is entitled to spend their money however they see fit, right? Of course. After they take care of their responsibilities.

Many dds resent not having been able to spend more money on themselves back when they were supporting their children. Their new status of being separate feels like a second chance to them. A chance to have it all. Unfortunately, they are shirking their responsibility to their children. There’s that word again. Shirking is their new normal. They don’t see it. They feel as if they are simply living the life they should have always been entitled to live. They see the custodial parent (cp) as having more-than-enough money to take care of the children. They don’t recognize this double-standard. Their (the dd’s) money should be used to create the life they want to live. The cp’s money should be used to take care of the children. The cp should be willing to sacrifice. Subconsciously the dd believes that they themselves sacrificed the entire time they were a joint cp. It’s their turn to have what they want. The other cp wanted too much to go to the children. They already got what they wanted. Now, it’s the dd’s turn. This may be their subconscious view of the situation or they may actively believe this and use it to justify their actions to others.

The dd doesn’t ever seem to be aware that the cp would like to have a better life for themselves too. The cp now has to use even more of their own money — minus the original level of contribution from the dd — and much more of their time to care for their children. The children don’t realize that the dd is being a deadbeat. Remember all that shirking? The children usually are not aware of it, especially if they have a loving cp who doesn’t want to poison them against the dd. The cp has weighed the immediate satisfaction of pointing out what a jerk the dd is to the longterm psychological impact of the children not only realizing this but developing additional conflicting emotions about the other parent. The children likely already have a moving van full of conflicting feelings. They’re not sure if the dd being gone is their fault. They don’t know why the dd seems to not care about them anymore. They try really hard to ignore that because it’s quite painful to witness. They may pretend it’s not happening. They may blame the cp because they feel loved and cared for by that parent. It’s safe to get upset with them. Who knows what will happen if they get upset with the dd? The dd may decide to cut them off completely. This scares the hell out of them. Another feeling that may be a conscious fear or an unpleasant and consistent subconscious rumbling in their lives.

So where does the pain of the prodigal dd come in? It’s not the dd’s pain. Sorry, I don’t care too much about their pain. I don’t have respect for dds who shirk. I don’t even want to be around them. As we say in my family, they are dead to me. The pain of the children is obvious. The resulting financial and time burden of the cp is also obvious. But there’s another pain resulting from the dd’s actions that harkens back to the story of the prodigal son. Whenever the dd does some little thing for their children the children act as if it’s the most amazing thing in the world. Maybe the dd hasn’t paid child support for months but they take their child out for a fancy dinner or buy them a piece of sporting or tech equipment they’e been coveting. The financially struggling cp watches their child’s delight. They listen to the child talk about how wonderful the dd is. This same child doesn’t seem to appreciate what the cp does for them. The cp doesn’t want the child to know how difficult things are in their home. The cp always chooses to put their child’s needs first. The cp feels as if they are in a contest they cannot win. The dd always comes out on top. Their positive actions are exaggerated, always seen by the children to be bigger and better than they actually are. Their negative actions or lack of action are ignored or quickly forgotten. It feels so unfair.

But it is not a contest. It happens because cps’ children look for any evidence that the dd parent still cares about them. They feel abandoned. They feel unloved. They worry they are unlovable. Unworthy. They choose to see crumbs as banquets and to look away from or past anything that supports a story where they are not loved. Again, this may be happening consciously or subconsciously. The cp needs to understand this to support their children’s experience in these changed circumstances. It’s not easy but it’s a kind of birthing pain. It doesn’t matter what gender the cp may be, they are laboring to bring their children into the healthiest circumstances they can given the actions of the dd. It’s one more thing cps who love their children need to do. It may be the hardest one of all.