Wait, what?
I just started watching a Japanese drama series. I really like it. The tone and the pacing are just my speed, but the subtitles are out of sync. Dialog appears on the screen before the characters speak. I have to pay squinty-eyed attention to who is saying what. This got me thinking about messaging in general. All kinds of messaging. Business memos. Texts that explain why we aren’t available right now. Directions to our house. Any kind of messaging. How messages are phrased and how others hear the words that are used change how we respond. Take the instructions on a drug prescription bottle that say: “Take with food.” Some people believe they are correctly following these directions if they take the medication when they sit down to eat. But they’ve missed the point. So have the instructions. It would be better to say: “Take on a full stomach” since the goal is to prevent the medication from upsetting the pill taker’s digestive system. The food isn’t helpful if it is “with” them but not “in” them.
Often our quest to use good or seemingly more socially acceptable words ends up clouding our intended message. Asking someone,“Do you want me to go with you?” is a totally different thing than telling them, “I hope you want me to go with you.” We may choose to ask the question when we are nervous about how our declaration will be received. We haven’t shared all of the pertinent information. We may even get irritated if they say no. But maybe they’re saying no because they’re worried we don’t want to go. Maybe they think we are offering just to be polite. If we habitually leave out information and make the other person guess what we mean then we have to be prepared for them to guess incorrectly. And yes, they “could” ask us what we mean but that makes them more responsible for good communication than us. Way to pass the buck.
What if everyone told the truth? Remember that Tom Cruise movie where Jack Nicholson screams, “You can’t handle the truth!”? The movie is “A Few Good Men” but it doesn’t really matter if you’ve seen it or not. What matters is that somewhere along the way we’ve become convinced that the truth is often a bad thing. But is it? “Don’t tell anyone Daddy drinks” on the one hand sounds like not airing dirty laundry. On the other hand it helps Daddy to continue being an alcoholic that isn’t getting the support he needs.
Repeatedly not telling the truth in small ways builds a house of cards that is difficult to maintain. We often don’t notice the energy it takes to keep it standing. We also may not recognize how much of our stress is based on worrying that it will fall. Being out of integrity sucks. It affects us emotionally and physically. Notice I said “not telling the truth” instead of “lying”. This is because we’re so used to small, cyclical untruths that we don’t label them as lying. Lying is the big stuff, right? I mean sure, you don’t have to tell your best friend Sylvia that she looks like a train wreck today. But if she asks you, you could choose to tell her that she’s not looking as good as she usually does. You can be truthful and kind. Maybe she’ll actually open up and tell you the story behind why she looks like warmed up month-old stew today. Maybe she needs help.
There is a cost to telling the truth. Chips will fall. Triggers will be triggered. Buttons will be pushed. People may overreact. But is this cost really more expensive than lying? It’s kind of a cost benefits analysis situation. It’s also definitely a question of your cash flow — as in how much social acceptance “currency” you will receive in the moment — versus your net worth — as in how you and others see your authentic self. Hey, your investments are your business not mine. Just remember insider information can be a good thing when it comes to communication.
Cinse Bonino
2023
