What Gets You Through
Do you ever get a total “do-over” feeling when you take out the trash? I do. I just took out my trash, recycling, and compost. I walked to the parking lot behind my building carrying the box that a delivery of bathroom supplies, that the co-op doesn’t carry, had arrived in earlier today. I dumped all my recycling into the box, put the compostable bag of kitchen scraps on top next to my little bag of trash and carried them out through the beginnings of small spittings of rain. Once all had been efficiently tucked or tossed into the appropriate receptacles, I took a short walk by the river and checked out the geese who live there. I headed back to my apartment trying not to step in any goose poop thinking it would probably be great fertilizer for someone somewhere.
Prior to stashing my back-up bottles of witch-hazel and other goodies in the bathroom and organizing everything I took outside, I had been bingeing a Netflix series about two people with very questionable moral compasses who were both attempting to be their better selves for themselves and for each other. Any problems I have or have had in this life pale in comparison to theirs. I find it weirdly relaxing to watch. I have some big family stuff coming up that I am really looking forward to with joy but also am very aware of some of the dynamics that might swirl in the background. I stayed inside bingeing yesterday primarily due to the very poor air quality resulting from the Quebec fires. I’ve been on my own kind of retreat. Not a silent one. Not a meditation one. Not a writing or a get healthy or fit one, but rather one where my subconscious really gets down and dirty processing things I need to revisit at the moment. It’s as if the Universe is using the storylines I’m watching to write messages in the sky to me that I cannot miss.
This all feels hopeful. It’s a cat-swipe moment. You know when the cat pushes everything off the table or shelf leaving a perfectly empty surface. You get to choose what to put back. And what not to. That line of bottles in the bathroom cupboard makes me feel ready. Secure. The tidiness of taking out the compost, trash, and recycling makes me feel powerful. That probably sounds like hyperbole to you but not to me. Even my decision to wear my short slip-on rain boots felt like a win. It’s odd what keeps us going in this life. It’s a gift of grace to understand what works for us. So many people forget to get to know themselves. They’re so busy trying to “fix” themselves using other people’s prescriptions. They throw money at their search for the magic bullet that will help them to keep walking forward with hope in this life. They are legitimately searching. We all are, but remember to start your search at home, perhaps right behind your belly button in the room where your heart and your brain share stories about you with each other. I highly recommend eavesdropping.
Cinse Bonino
2023
